Earthquake High Gravity Lager

Since some of the blog contributors seem to be either missing in action or going on a crazy bender that will yield multiple reviews upon its completion, I decided to shake things up a little bit. Most obviously, I changed the layout and design of the page to convey more "drinking is enjoyable" and less "let's study 6th grade world geography." As would be my luck, I ran into an opportunity to further shake things up tonight when I found a tallboy of Earthquake High Gravity Lager for sale at the gas station for just $1.39.

Based upon the can design and the ridiculously high 12% ABV, I thought Earthquake was one of those malt liquor/energy drink combos that Davis is so fond of. Upon further research, it turns out Earthquake is brewed by the makers of Four Loko, so my suspicions were not unfounded. To my surprise (and delight), Earthquake is caffeine free and contains no guarana. My praises of this beer end there.

It's never a good sign when a brew is the same color as your piss is going to be the next morning. It's an even worse sign when it smells so strongly of rotten fruit that you gag. I should have stopped there before even tasting this travesty. However, I was determined to make up for the lack of reviews from other contributors and powered through.

Having consumed plenty of low quality malt beverages in my time (see Kiwi-Strawberry Evil Eye, for example), I decided to try to overwhelm my taste buds with a flavor other than stank liquor. With a mouthful of Flamin' Hot Límon Cheetos, I carefully took my first sip of Earthquake. The result was an inappropriately loud "BLECH!" Wow, this is awful! I can't remember the last time I actually considered pouring an open container of beer down the drain, but I certainly did tonight. Imagine what might happen if you were possessed to take a 40 of St. Ides, dump it into a large bowl with several rotten apples and two pounds of refined granulated sugar, then add just enough bleach to sear your throat before mixing up this witch's brew and canning it. What might happen? Earthquake High Gravity Lager just might.

Despite its clear and numerous flaws, this beer is clearly on the market for a reason. Here are some hypotheses as to what that reason may be:

1. To get you really drunk for really cheap (definitely feeling it after just 12 ounces).
2. To create a high level of toxicity in your body to help eliminate warts (will keep you posted).
3. To deter the poor bastards who buy this shit from ever drinking again.
4. To improve the sustainability of the apple cider industry by making use of below-grade product.

Unless you are an unwavering advocate of any of the movements possibly affiliated with theories 1-4, avoid Earthquake High Gravity Lager at all costs and save your money for a bag of California Earthquake Chips.