Theobroma (Food of the Gods) 9%ABV

Theobroma is one of Dogfish Head's Ancient Ales. Its limited availability (August only) has kept me waiting for a whole year... until last weekend!

On its menu, Dogfish Head describes an ancient Aztec recipe from 1200 BC with cocoa powder, cocoa nibs, honey, chilies, and annatto (tree seeds with a peppery-nutmeg taste). Reading this, I pictured a hoppy brownish ale with lots of bold flavors hitting at once. To my surprise, it was the opposite.

Theobroma is light in color and subtle in taste. Its density is light and translucent; its taste is more alcoholic-y than hoppy; and its finish is nice and bubbly. I could definitely taste the honey, the nutmeg, and the pepper (in that order), but could not place the chillies or the cocoa (perhaps they balance each other out?).

The beer's subtle balance of flavors would pair well with light fare (not meats) and its bubbly finish will refresh a spicy and/or salty palate. I would pair this beer with fish, spicy vegetarian entrees or soups (curried veggies, Thai foods), or salty appetizers or sides (chips, french fries, or nachos).

Rogue John John Ale

I don't drink a lot of hard liquor. Not only do I not really enjoy the taste of most liquor I've tried, I also can't gauge my level of intoxication very well when I down rum or whiskey. This has led to several rather embarrassing episodes in my recent past that have convinced me to avoid booze under most circumstances.

However, I am a sucker for beers that are aged in old liquor barrels. That's why I eagerly accepted a friend's advice to try a pint of Rogue's John John Ale. Here's the commercial description of the brew:

"In a collaboration of crafts, Rogue Brewmaster John Maier and Rogue Spirits Master Distiller John Couchot have joined forces to create a distinct, innovative series of brews called John John Ales. The series will take Rogue Ales legends and age them in Rogue Spirits barrels. A 3,100 gallon batch of John John Ale produces 1357 cases of beer. The first of the John John series is John John Dead Guy Ale, Rogue’s award winning Dead Guy Ale matured in Rogue’s award winning Dead Guy Whiskey barrels.
Deep honey in color with a malt aroma, a caramel, vanilla and oak finish."

The first time I tried the John John Dead Guy Ale was on tap at the Grad in Davis, CA. The brew was kind of watery, but had a deliciously caramel-sweet bourbon pop. The bottled bomber version is similar, but the bourbon edge is slightly more subtle. Thankfully for me, the Rogue Ale is less potent than the spirit that lends it its dominant taste. At 6.5% alcohol and $6.10 for a 22 ounce bottle, Rogue's John John Dead Guy is a unique brew that is worth a try and won't make you puke on your friend's shoes while waiting for the subway train home in which you inappropriately make advances on the girl you are interested in like actual whiskey would.

AleSmith YuleSmith Holiday Ale (Imperial IPA)

While I tend to agree with most of Davis' reviews, his comment regarding his disdain for seasonal brews sat in my stomach as heavily as a 16 ounce can of Rockman. I'm a total sucker for seasonal ales. I don't care for the "winter warmers" with cardamom and secret spice and many of the light, citrusy summer ales are more like Gatorade than a brew. But I do like the idea of pairing certain styles of beer to specific seasons, like the super malty chocolate stouts that come out in the middle of winter and the ginger-infused pale ales that refresh the palate in the brutally hot days of August. So, I was delighted when my girlfriend brought home a 22 ounce bottle of AleSmith's summer seasonal YuleSmith Holiday Ale, an Imperial IPA brewed each year to celebrate America's Independence Day.

Though the bottle emphasizes its enormous hoppiness, YuleSmith is sweeter and fruitier than most west coast IPAs. The thick, white head smells and tastes like apricot-peach jam and is followed by a strong, but not overbearing dose of hops. The sweet fruitiness is well-countered by the traditional hop bitterness. The 8.5% ABV is well hidden behind this delicate blend of flavors. YuleSmith is delicious, but not the super-hopped double IPA that I was expecting. I'd certainly drop $7 to sip a bomber of this while watching fireworks in the park next year.

Can't wait for the rainy days of winter when AleSmith's winter Speedway Stout will be released....

Scandinavian Beers

Hello, fellow bloggers. I apologize for the delay, but I have been a bit pre-occupied with finding a new job, dealing with student loan issues, entertaining guests, and yes, building a mathematics curriculum from scratch. None the less, I have done a wee bit of sight seeing during my furlough months, and I can regale you with at the very least, some suggestions.

You may have heard Scandinavia is expensive. $6.50 Silver Bullets at Coors Field are expensive. Scandinavia is outrageous. I'm talking about 200 dollar train rides, 13 dollar cups (NOT bowls) of soup, five Euro coat checks, and of course, 15 dollar beers. No, not growlers full of your favorite micro brew, or boots full of some Bavarian nectar, but a regular, old, run of the mill pint.

They don't taste good when being paired with succulent, Swedish Meatballs made out of moose. You know sometimes when you eat pork meatballs you occasionally have those pieces of fat or cartilage that wind up squirming their way into your teeth? Well the moose was tender and moist like pork, but there was no gristle. It had a subtle flavor which went along great with the mushroom cream sauce and was augmented nicely by the tangy lingonberries. I was so excited for this meal, I ordered a Norrlands Guld, a traditional Scandinavian lager. But I could only gulp down half of the bottle in-between bites. I have never once splurged on a meal and only ordered tap water, but that would have been a good time to start. They don't taste good when Team USA is winning (take that Algeria, you gormless excuse for football team. You didn't deserve to beat Egypt, you didn't deserve to be on the pitch and play for a pathetic nil-nil tie!); And they certainly taste like shit when Team USA loses.

If one were to start in Norway, and work his or her increasingly impoverished ass Eastward, he or she would come to this bitter sweet conclusion: The beers become cheaper, but they also more gravely offend the palate. I could have picked any of the beers, (Carlsburg, Frydenlund, Falcon, Lapin Kulta to name a few) but Finland's Karhu has volunteered to be so atrocious, that is is going to have the Dunce Cap placed on its head. The sinister bear (pictured) on the can isn't false advertising. This beer's bite is as bad as its bark. As with all the other Scandinavian beers, Karhu tastes like Sunday morning. Don't play stupid with me here people, and don't play innocent either. I know you have all helped clean up a party, still stumbling with a B.A.C which is more than twice the legal limit. Wanting to atone for the previous night's streaking, plane jumps, and skeet stains left on the now overturned couch cushion, you volunteer to help pick up the empties. But they're not empty are they? You bet that Gamma Phi pledge's sweet ass they're not. About half way through pouring out that second wounded soldier it hits you.

"I'm slap happy, still drunk, and desperate. I'm going to pay for this with a wicked hangover later. I need to keep drinking to avoid said hangover. I'm too poor to purchase even a tall boy of Milwaukee's Best."

So you stop pouring out the bottle, and mull things over. It's not cold, but the early morning dew give the beer a cool temperature. It looks like beer. Hell, it even foamed in the sink while you were pouring it out. So you take a swig, and horrified by what has happened to something so scientifically pure, you never repeat such an act again. Now take that swig for twelve to sixteen fluid ounces worth, and you have just consumed the barley pop of the Vikings.

It tastes like it was brewed during those frigid arctic nights, transported in a sauna (a Finnish invention) then stored in cool kegs, poured through room temperature pipes, and served in a hot glass fresh out of the dish washer. The minimal amount of bubbles which rise during the initial pour, decrease at an exponential rate so that after five minutes, you don't know whether a beer has been sitting there for a round, an hour, or a day. What makes Karhu the number one offender is that it tastes like the barkeep threw in a shot of Everclear when you weren't looking just because you're an American and must be a fan of Tiger Woods.

The moral of the story is that when you travel to the lands of the first crackers to set foot on North American soil, bring extra loot, eat the moose, check out the scenery, and drink the Budweiser. At four Euros, it's on special and tastes like a bottom fermenting lager SHOULD taste.

FOUR LOKO

**NOTICE: YOU SHOULD NOT READ THE BELOW REVIEW WITHOUT CLICKING 'PLAY' ON THE ABOVE YOUTUBE**

CBS NEWS ASKS THE QUESTION: 'IS FOUR LOKO LIQUID COCAINE'?

[PICTURED HERE: WATERMELON EDITION]

No, it is not liquid cocaine. Rather, it is like a turbo-charged version of MillerCoors' Sparks, which was neutered 2 years ago by a consortium of overzealous attorneys-general. Thankfully, this formula is an improvement on Sparks in every way: it has double the alcohol (12% ABV) and a substantial amount of caffeine. Reportedly the European version is liquor-based (rather than malt-based) and has absinthe in the mix. Basically, this drink is CrAzY & makes you think you have gone LoCo. Rather than even try to describe it in words, I instead present you with the following pictorial essay about what drinking a can of this is like:

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Atwater Block Brewery - Vanilla Java Porter

I bought a sixer of this beer at the corner store I usually patronize when I want a bottle of St. Ides Special Brew or a tallboy of Four Loko. Unfortunately, drinking my first Vanilla Java Porter from Atwater Block Brewery made me wish I was drinking a fruit flavored malt liquor instead. I had a distinct idea in my head of what this beer might taste like when I purchased it. It would have a thick, rich texture. The coffee flavor would add a neat acidity to the rich porter flavor but not overpower it. The vanilla bean would barely be perceptible - probably just a drop's worth of flavoring per bottle.

In reality, this beer tastes like high gravity lager brewed out of stale Tia Maria. It is disgustingly sweet with a syrupy aftertaste. Despite its sweetness its texture is thin and weak, perhaps as a result of the overpowering coffee flavor. If a good java porter is a latte (one part coffee, 5 parts mixer) then this is a cafe au lait - the coffee is mixed in equal proportion with the other ingredients. This might be somewhat palatable if the coffee flavor was high quality. It's not - it tastes like Sanka concentrate.

Atwater Block Brewery is located in Detroit, MI. After drinking their Vanilla Java Porter I wonder if this is the block they're referring to.

Stone 14th Anniversary Emperial IPA

Despite my profound disappointment with their Levitation Amber Ale, I decided to celebrate the end of my family's grueling five day visit with a Stone Brewing Company ale. My initial intention was to grab and review the Self-Righteous Ale, a black IPA originally brewed as the brewery's 11th anniversary ale, but was tempted by the arrival of the brand new 14th Anniversary Emperial IPA. Here's the succinct review: god damn fuck yes.

The bottle text is unusually descriptive for a Stone brew: "From the imported white malt to the 'Burtonised' water to the rare yeast strain to the most pungent hops Kent has to offer, we used all British ingredients to brew our Emperial IPA." It continues, "In this case, our tastes called for highly intemperate quantities of Target, East Kent Goldings, and Boadicea hops, bestowing upon this dry-bodied ale a powerfully spicy, earthy aroma. On the palate, peppery hops assert themselves early and often, with malt sweetness making a brief appearance before being beaten back by a long complex, and decisively bitter finish."

I opened the bottle with mild skepticism, took a sip, and immediately exclaimed, "oh shit!" The beer unabashedly tramples you with that crisp, peppery hop wallop. The malty sweetness is very subtle, but just perceptible enough to help balance the deliciously bitter/citrus finish. I hate dropping $7 on a 22 ounce bomber, but Stone doesn't disappoint here. And at a robust 8.9% ABV, the Emperial IPA's alcohol to cost ratio is within reason. This brew joins the ranks of Russian River's Pliny the Elder, Stone's Ruination IPA, and Victory's Hop Devil as one of the best IPAs I've ever had the pleasure of inhaling.

Olde English HG800 High Gravity Malt Liquor

What can help you forget the pains of four long days spent with your dysfunctional family? Look no further than a tall boy of Olde English HG800. At a potent 8.0% ABV and just $2.19 with tax, you can forget about the trauma of sharing genes with those people. HG800 is surprisingly soft on the palate for high gravity malt liquor. The high pre-fermentation sugar content is fairly well-masked. Sure, the characteristic sweet rotten-apple taste of high gravity is present here, but it actually helps to conceal the bitter, somewhat metallic Olde English signature that has always made me reach for a 40 of Country Club instead. Hats off, bottoms up, and let's dream of drinking microbrews without relatives around.

New Belgium - Skinny Dip

Seasonal brews are a pretty hit or miss affair for me. I tend to love summer seasonals but I can't think of a single winter brew that's ever done it for me (no, I don't need hints of cranberry or cardamom in my beer). New Belgium's Skinny Dip fits well into this trend, because I think it's fucking awesome. It's light without being too watery, citrusy, or hoppy. It has a pleasantly fresh aftertaste that makes one want to drink more. Apparently its 'low calorie' too, at least by independent brewery standards.

As you can see from the picture, I paired this beer with a medium (accidentally overcooked it) porterhouse steak and sauteed spinach. The brewmaster probably had a lighter food pairing in mind, but I actually thought this one worked out well--the crisp finish on the beer did a terrific job of cleansing my mouth of the salty/fatty taste from the steak with each bite. Skinny Dip is also affiliated with an environmental campaign to clean the Colorado River. I saw this very literal advertisement promoting the beer & the campaign in last month's Utne Reader. Nice butts!

Boulder Beer, taste the Mojo

Burning some time in the Denver airport, I was fortunate to find the Boulder Beer Company, Colorado's first microbrew. I tried the Mojo, their version of an IPA, and was extremely pleased. The sample of their porter I tried was also quite good, with just a hint of coffee. You could do much, much worse than this place. Strongly recommend if you're ever in Denver.

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ICEHOUSE

After a long weekend of drinking $7 cans of marginally cold Bud Light at Lollapalooza I felt like I needed to watch my wallet. The solution? ICEHOUSE. ICEHOUSE is "Ice Brewed Below Freezing™ resulting in the formation of actual ice crystals, delivering the bold, never watered down taste that you can enjoy each time you drink an ice cold ICEHOUSE". The website also added "p.s., ICE ICE ICE ICE ICE" after that sentence.

Honestly though, I subscribe to the "Roger Ebert school" of beer criticism - I judge each beer based on what it's trying to be, not on some abstract Platonic ideal of what the Good beer is. ICEHOUSE tries to be a solid beer for solid dudes - essentially an alcohol delivery system that won't set you back financially, will deliver an above average ABV, won't bother you with unfamiliar taste, and won't make you look like a pussy. It's fueled many a NASCAR race and basement high school banger - ICEHOUSE serves its purpose. Does it accomplish this purpose with the flair of a malt liquor like Private Stock? No. But it does exude a certain humble, Midwestern reliability, befitting of the Plank Road Brewery in Milwaukee where it is made. It tastes ok... like Miller with extra alcohol, which is exactly what it is. It doesn't have a skunky flavor and avoids the aluminum-like aftertaste of many of its direct competitors. At $5.99 a 12 pack, one could do worse. Once I've polished off this 12 pack I'll feel able to afford to review a craft brew or two. For now, I'll just sip my ICEHOUSE and reminisce about the glory that was watching Soundgarden perform "Black Hole Sun" live.

Good Juju...more like Bad Juju

Left Hand Brewing Company's Good Juju.

After a long day of packing and moving, there was nothing I was looking more forward to than a cold beer. I picked the beer solely based on its name, as I often do, and unsurprisingly, like I often am when I make foolish choices, I was disappointed. You figure with a name like Good Juju you can't go wrong, but let me be the first to tell you that you can.

My first taste reminded me of drinking the cup with the quarter in it during a game of chandeliers. There was a metallic flavor to the beer, which I've later learned was supposed to be ginger. The taste was not consistent as I drank the entire beer. I kept tasting hints of other spices, but the metal taste was so overwhelming that it was really impossible to discern the different flavors. Rather than leaving you with a feeling of good juju, the beer left you with a metallic taste in your mouth and an overall feeling of bad juju at having wasted 6 dollars on a pint of metal. On the whole the beer was incredibly disappointing, and as my better half indicated, we won't be drinking that again.

Boulevard Suite: Amber, Bully! Porter, & Single-wide IPA

I used to really dig Boulevard Brewing Co., so it pains me to say that I'm starting to lose my interest. Mrs. Soop is a big fan of Boulevard Wheat, and for a while, it was the only beer we kept in the Soop kitchen. As a result, every beer I drank began to taste like Boulevard Wheat, and I had to get off the bandwagon. Anyway, on to the reviews.

Amber: Heavier texture than I was expecting. I am a big fan of ambers in general (with Michelob Amber Bock as my particular friend). Also not as hoppy as I was expecting. To me, it tasted like a warmer Boulevard Wheat. I guess I'll never escape the taint on my palate.

Bully! Porter: Here, not quite as heavy as I was expecting. A little hoppier than the amber, but not enough for my tastes. I would really give this one two thumbs down, if not for the highly sophisticated bulldog portrait on the label, which I couldn't get a picture of because my phone is a joke.

Single-wide IPA: Not as heavy as the porter, but really hoppy. This beer was also a former favorite of mine, but it was a challenge to finish this one after the first two.

Summary: In short, I've lost a lot of my faith in Boulevard. There ultimately was not much to distinguish any of these three beers from one another, except the amount of hops in each brew, the color, and the texture. The beers weren't very cold when I drank them, which is supposed to help the true flavor stand out a bit, but in reality kept me from enjoying them. I didn't catch the ABV on any of these, and I didn't get any photos I could use this time 'round. I also didn't catch a price because I was drinking for free at my in-laws' casa.

P. Soop

Loose Cannon

Loose Cannon is brewed by Heavy Seas Brewing, which is extremely fond of pirate jokes. Naturally, Loose Cannon is described as a, "hop shot across the bow!" It, "won't send you to Davy Jones' locker, but (added yeast in the bottle) will protect your brew from the rigors of life at sea." Hardy har har. At 7% ABV, Loose Cannon is a true American IPA. It has, "Hops, hops, AND MORE hops--over 3 lbs. per barrel, at 3 different times in the process (emphasis original)."

Seriously, though, Heavy Seas products are all over the East Coast and marketed pretty extensively through Whole Foods stores. Loose Cannon is particularly good if you're in the mood for an IPA--it has caramel undertones, is slightly aromatic, and has a nice, not overpowering, hoppy balance. Shiver me timbers, I'll leave the pirate jokes to others.

Red Oval, a Trader Joe's Special

On a recent trip to a Trader Joe's, a small, cheap, mostly organic grocery store chain, I spotted baby-dolphin-killing six-packs of Red Oval for $2.99. I had tried and liked Trader's Joe's other cheap beer line, the aptly named Simpler Times, and I'm a sucker for six-packs, so I gave this plain can a try. Like much of Trader's Joe's products, this beer's name is made up, and you can only buy it at the Trader's Joe's location nearest you. It's actually brewed in Wisconsin by the Minhas Brewery.

It met all expectations for a $.50 beer, slightly beer-y flavored, with a nice, almost sweet finish. I could drink lots of these really easily, especially on a hot summer day. Don't bother pouring it into a glass; who cares about releasing the aromas or seeing the coloration on a beer this cheap. ABV: unknown.

Shiner's Fröst: A Dortmunder Style Golden Ale

Here's what the bottle has to tell us: "First brewed in Dortmund, Germany for the hardworking coal miners of the town, this deliciously distinctive style bring a hint of malty sweetness that quickly fades to show a crisp, hoppy character." Though I had to overcome some initial hesitation in purchasing an obscure German style beer from a brewery in southeastern Texas, I was persuaded to try Shiner's Fröst thanks to the discount price of $5.99 per six pack at my local Aggie Liquor. I can't say that it was equivalent to a day's work of inhaling suspended particulate matter in a man-made cave, but I did try to pay my respects to the proletarian heritage of the brew by drinking one after a day that involved pushing around 40 tons of cow and horse manure with a front loader, cutting alfalfa, and repairing a worn out belt on a flail mower. Perhaps the vocational difference explains the disconnect between the flavor experienced by my Deutsh counterparts and the one I endured today. Could the coal dust sufficiently dull the palate to make an overpowering, knock-you-on-your-ass-and-make-you-wish-you-would-have-had-a-glass-of-water-instead-of-a-beer maltiness seem like just a "hint" of sweetness? And where is the crisp, hoppy character? Was it accidentally replaced with some skunky spice blend leftover from the Weimar Republic, thus explaining the bargain blow out price? Despite its flaws, the Shiner Fröst is, at very least, smooth and refreshing. At a reasonable 5.5% ABV, the beer provides just enough to replace the annoying tingling sensation in the tips of your fingers resulting from hours spent clenching a fiercely vibrating tractor steering wheel with the more comforting and familiar tingle of a slight alcoholic buzz. And what's more? My cat likes the smell of the empty bottles making for perfect photo opportunities.

Instantaneous Incredulity

No doubt, you have all read A Mer's rousing description of his own beer-drinking bona fides. Thanks primarily to my general lack of wit and individuality, I deemed it necessary to follow his lead before I begin to provide my comments on the wondrous world of beer:

-My first beer also required me to "tap the Rockies" (that's the mountain range, you see, and not the MLB team). It was in the basement of someone known to history only as the BK Broiler, and I was hammered almost immediately thereafter.
-After that, I gave up beer entirely and switched to Franzia boxed wine, because not only am I cheap, I am also Italian. Once I realized that one could be a beer snob without also being a wine snob, I left the box behind and came back to the bottle--although I must say, a nice goblet of Chianti Classico sets me up forever.
-When I come home after a hard day of lawyering my brains out, I like to kick back with a cheap, domestic lager beer, tainted by two-and-a-half teaspoons of reconcentrated lime juice. Yummy. So I won't review that one for you.
-My (rap) name is P. Soop. I am unemployed, and I live with my parents.

Looking forward to participating in this fantastic forum.

In bocca al lupo,
P. Soop

Stone Brewing Co's Levitation Ale

Like all of Stone's brews, the text on the box and bottle are worthless. After a paragraph of rambling prose, the bottle states, "Stone Levitation Ale certainly defies the gravitational forces at work in much of the beer industry today- less character, less flavor, less creativity- and as for any supernatural forces at work in this beer, well we can only guess. (Though brewers yeast pretty much qualifies in our book.)" I'll agree with the bottle that this brew delivers more to the palate than a can of Schlitz, but it certainly doesn't dish up $14 per six pack worth of deliciousness. Unlike most of the other Stone light ales that are dominated by an intoxicating fruity undertone (try the Self-Righteous Ale, for example), the overwhelming Levitating flavor is, as mentioned on the bottle, brewers yeast. The beer is smooth and crisp, but unpleasantly bitter with no hint of floral hops or sweet malt to even out the finish. At just 4.4% alcohol by volume, Levitation Ale can't even compete with the aforementioned Schlitz, which weighs in at 4.6%. Overall, this one's a pretty disappointing contribution from one of my favorite west coast breweries that brings us such delights as their Russian Imperial Stout, the Self-Righteous Ale, and the famous Ruination IPA.

Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss

Leinenkugel is a uniquely positioned beer company. If you live in Wisconsin its brews are sold in taverns for $2 a pint, and you might view it as existing in the same league as Bud Light, High Life, etc. Across the rest of the country it is sold alongside the 'premium' beers for roughly a buck a bottle. In this case Wisconsin has it right. They recently started selling the beer in a can, which is the proper vessel for a beer of this quality. Sipped from an ice cold can the Honey Weiss is solid: smooth and light, with a dull wheat taste. Sipped from a glass it has a slightly skunky aroma and citrusy aftertaste. I don't taste any honey here at all. Overall I'd rate this beer as a loser; if all you want is a watery, drinkable beer for a hot summer day you're better off spending half the price on an American macrobrew like PBR.

1554. New Belgium Brewery.

Twelve fluid ounces of wind-powered deliciousness. A complex, smooth, smoky-chocolatey flavor. Aftertaste is not abundant. The beer is black, but the head and body do not seem to have the density of a stout - in fact, New Belgium calls it a "black ale." Rest assured that the beer's carbon footprint is minimal, having been brewed in a wind-powered brewery in Fort Collins, CO. Recommended - one of my personal top ten.

Instant Credibility

Good afternoon, it's nice to be here. It has been too long since I blogged, but hopefully the wort flowing from my fingertips to the keyboard haven't gone skunky due to extended hibernation. The purpose of this first post is, as the title implies, to give us some credibility. It's noted that this is an amateur's quest to chronicle all of the beers he has sampled. AMATEUR? Preposterous! Outrageous! That is way too humble and self depreciating. We are beer-drinking blue-bloods, and I have the lineage to prove it:

- My first beer was a Busch Light.
- The first time I was ever inebriated off of a malted beverage, Two Dogs was responsible.
- At one point during my Junior year, the amount of Smirnoff Ices I had drank could "Ten-Run-Rule" the number of beers I had drank.
- At some point in my life, each of the following beers has been my favorite... Tequiza, Ice House, Blue Moon.

Although these are "I statements," several of this blog's co-writing aristocracy were present when these historic achievements occurred. As you can see, our beer drinking history is as storied as Mr. Millcoorweiser himself, and those of you who read this blog will be drunk off of more beer information than can fill a two story funnel.

Santé